The Upper Peninsula Talks to Lower Michigan in a Bar in Wisconsin
Detroit. Oh, enough with Detroit. Every city in the U.P. is Detroit. Every city not by lower Michigan. No, let me talk. No, seriously, shut up and let me talk. Ohio, will you shut him up. You have—no, no, listen! You have—of the top 175 wealthiest cities in Michigan, in the whole state, how many of them are in the U.P.? How many? Tell me that right now. Oh, he’s too drunk to pay attention. Indiana, how many of the—listen, how many of the richest cities in the state are in the U.P.? Of the top 175? . . . No. Guess again. No. The answer: one. One! And it’s Mackinac Island. Which means none! None! Mackinac Island does not count. It’s not mainland U.P. So 175 cities, 175 towns, and none of the richest ones are in the U.P. Not one. But of the top eight poorest cities, cities with lowest per capita income, we have two. Two of the top eight worst, poorest cities. What? Daggett and K.I. Sawyer. Yes, it is. Yes, it is still a town. My cousin lives there. It’s drugs and desolation and nothingness. So oh, “Detroit, Detroit, Detroit.” You have the Pistons. The Tigers. The Red Wings. What do we have? Marquette Branch Prison. Marquette General. Hospital, prison. Give us a—what? Oh, Flint. Flint’s even better off than Detroit. We’ve got—our top twenty poorest towns all have lower per capita than Detroit or Flint. If—wait, yes, I know I’m ranting and I don’t care. I’m sick of “Flint, Fint, Detroit, Flint.” We—listen! Top five highest unemployment rate counties in the state? Wayne County? Nope. No. Look it up. All five of them are in northern Michigan. All five! Two of them in the U.P. Ontonagon and Baraga. And Baraga’s had the highest unemployment rate not in the state, but in the entire country! I think it’s third now. No, not in the state, in the country! So I don’t want—what? Oh, winter wonderland, my ass. My aunt just drank herself to death, my best friend just attempted suicide, and my brother is addicted to heroin in Champion, so don’t even give me your—Mackinac Island does not count. Jesus, you take all your Barton Hills and Bloomfield Hills and Beverly Hills with their $100,000 average income and have them give a fuck about Daggett, $9,000 per capita—oh, Christ, you’re not listening to a word I’m saying. Good, go. Go back. I’ll stay in Wisconsin. The girls are better here anyway. Go! . . .
He leave yet?
—Ron Riekki, Negaunee, MI
